Meet Chris Germer, and read an excerpt from "Giving and Receiving Compassion"
Interviewed by Ari Saperstein
Editor’s note
Chris Germer is a clinical psychologist, a lecturer at the Harvard Medical School and a leading expert on mindfulness and self-compassion. Along with Kristen Neff (one of our upcoming interviewees!), Chris developed the Mindful Self-Compassion (MSC) program, an 8-week training program that has trained over 100,000 people in mindfulness and self-compassion since its creation in 2010. Chris and Kristen went on to found The Center for Mindful Self-Compassion.
Chris teaches and leads workshops around the world, in addition to maintaining a psychotherapy practice in Arlington, Massachusetts.
Chris has had a lifelong interest in psychology and contemplative practices. He received a PhD in Clinical Psychology from Temple University in 1984, but prior to that he traveled the length and breadth of India where he became interested in yoga, meditation, Buddhism and other Eastern philosophies that have come to inform and shape his work.
In a sentence, how do you define “mindfulness”?
I like the definition: "Knowing what we're experiencing while we're experiencing it." Traditionally, mindful awareness is also associated with equanimity, which brings in the qualities of spaciousness, balance, and non-judgment.
How has mindfulness practice impacted you personally?
For me, mindfulness and compassion practice IS my life. This is because mindfulness and compassion are core values for me and my main professional work is teaching the 8-week Mindful Self-Compassion program around the world. Recently, I've been interested in recognizing how privilege is associated with my various identities (e.g., white, heterosexual, cisgendered, educated), seeing how systems of oppression affect non-mainstream identities, and I'm trying to cultivate an attitude of cultural humility. I find that by holding my own identities mindfulness and compassionately (i.e., not knowing, not-shaming), I can listen better to others, be more surprised, and feel more connected.
Do you think it’s important for you and other practitioners to share your personal experience with the practice?
A lovely aspect of teaching mindfulness and compassion is the assumption of common humanity. We demonstrate our common humanity by using examples from our own lives which helps others to connect with their own experience without judgment or shame.
What advice do you have for balancing awareness and attention, i.e. being in the moment without being “in your head” or “being on”?
I find that self-compassion is the easiest way to stay connected with our direct experience, even if our experience is difficult, without taking the elevator up into our heads and getting stuck in our thoughts. Being compassionate with ourselves keeps us in a caring mind state, characterized by openness and receptivity, and out of a threatened mind state, characterized by grasping and aversion. Just as we can relax and look at our situation from a wider perspective when we are in the company of a compassionate person, our awareness becomes soft and pliable when we're compassionate with ourselves.
Why do you think mindfulness and similar practices have become increasingly popular and commonplace?
I think the main reason why mindfulness is so popular now is the science. There are few arbiters of truth in our society, such as tradition, expert opinion, direct experience, and science. There is now a strong research base to support mindfulness practice. Furthermore, mindfulness relies on direct experience: "See for yourself." Science and direct experience allow mindfulness to transcend cultural boundaries.
Originally, people thought that Eastern meditation practices would make their way into the Western world through religion, such as conversations between Zen and Catholic monks, but it seems that the path has been through science, especially the science of psychology. Psychedelics in the 60's and 70's also opened the door to Eastern contemplative practices. Interestingly, psychedelics and meditation are currently re-converging with the new science of pharmaceutical psychedelics.
Mindfulness also seems to be an antidote to the fast pace and information overload of modern society. Interest in compassion training is also growing fast (on the heels of mindfulness), perhaps as an antidote to the loneliness and atomization of modern society. Compassion is all about common humanity and kindness.
Are there practices that still haven’t caught on with the Western psychological community and/or the broader culture that you hope to see become more widespread in the future?
Yes, I think that compassion training is the next big wave in contemplative practice and it's a good thing. As Thomas Friedman, a columnist for the New York Times wrote, the world is becoming hotter, flatter and more crowded. How are we going to get along unless we all learn to become more compassionate? All the signs are there for a huge wave of interest in compassion training, especially the burgeoning research.
I also think that an interest in non-duality, also known as oneness or emptiness, is the next frontier. Pharmaceutical psychedelics will probably facilitate a widespread appreciation of oneness in the general population. Ultimately, oneness is the full integration of wisdom and compassion, an opportunity that seems more likely than ever in the less traditional context of modern contemplative practice
Breathing is at the core of your worksheet below -- can you tell us about the different functions that intentional “in-breath” and “out-breath” have?
The in-breath nourishes our body and mind by bringing oxygen to all our cells and it also energizes us by subtly activating the sympathetic nervous system. The out-breath subtly relaxes us - it activates the parasympathetic nervous system. The out-breath also feeds the plants with carbon dioxide. Therefore, both the in-breath and the out-breath are good for us.
The power of the "Giving and Receiving Compassion" practice is its simplicity. People tend to only think about compassion for others and overlook themselves, which is unsustainable. It's like the airplane metaphor of needing to put the oxygen mask on ourselves first with the plane is going down. Similarly, a newborn baby first breaths in, and then out. Everyone is waiting for that first, precious in-breath. We need to breathe in for ourselves - to tend to ourselves - before we can tend to others. In this elegant meditation, the in-breath is a reminder to include ourselves in the circle of our compassion - " in for me" - and to stay connected with others - "out for you" - thereby making compassion complete.
Giving and Receiving Compassion can be practiced in formal sitting meditation, or in daily life. It is especially helpful when we are in a difficult conversation or a tricky caregiving situation. Feeling the in-breath is a way of reminding ourselves to be kind to ourselves and it helps to shift us into a caring frame of mind, which can be extended to others through the out-breath.
What’s a good first baby-step exercise someone interested in practicing self-compassion and mindfulness could do?
The quintessential self-compassion question is "What do I need?" We are already practicing self-compassion when we ask that question, even if the answer is not immediately apparent. That question can sometimes be answered by being more specific, such as "What do I need to....feel emotionally comforted? Physically soothed? Validated? Safe? Nourished? Motivated?" Often the answer comes with we ask, "How do I care for myself already" or "How would I treat a friend in the same situation?"
Another very simple practice is soothing or supportive touch. Find a form of touch that is genuinely comforting, such as one or two hands over the heart, or touching your palms, and give that to yourself in a moment of need.
The key is to practice self-compassion as a natural and spontaneous response to discomfort, as a parent might respond to a child with the flu, not as an effort to manipulate how we feel in the present moment." The saying is, "When we suffer, we practice self-compassion not to feel better, but because we feel bad." This is the central paradox of mindfulness and self-compassion practice, and it makes all the difference.
excerpt from Giving and Receiving Compassion
(20 min., 10 min. inquiry)
This is the 3rd core meditation of the MSC course. Giving and Receiving Compassion builds on the previous two core meditations - on Affectionate Breathing by focusing on the breath and on Loving-Kindness for Ourselves by layering compassionate words or images onto the breath. The new element of breathing in for oneself and out for others helps the practitioner to practice compassion in connection – loving others without losing oneself. Students tend to find this meditation both easy and enjoyable.
Instructions
Please sit comfortably, closing your eyes, and if you like, putting a hand over your heart or another soothing place as a reminder to bring not just awareness, but loving awareness, to your experience and to yourself.
Savoring the Breath
Taking a few deep, relaxing breaths, noticing how your breath nourishes your body as you inhale and soothes your body as you exhale.
Now letting your breathing find its own natural rhythm. Continue feeling the sensation of breathing in and breathing out. If you like, allowing yourself to be gently rocked and caressed by the rhythm of your breathing.
Warming Up Awareness
Now, focusing your attention on your in-breath, letting yourself savor the sensation of breathing in, noticing how your in-breath nourishes your body, breath after breath….and then releasing your breath.
As you breathe, breathing in something good for yourself…whatever you need. Perhaps a quality of warmth, kindness, compassion, or love? Just feel it, or you can use a word or image if you like.
Now, shifting your focus now to your out-breath, feeling your body breathe out, feeling the ease of exhalation.
Please call to mind someone whom you love or someone who is struggling and needs compassion. Visualize that person clearly in your mind.
Begin directing your out-breath to this person, offering the ease of breathing out.
If you wish, intentionally sending warmth and kindness - something good -to this person with each outbreath.
In for Me, Out for You
Now letting go of what you or the other person may need, and just focusing on the sensation of breathing compassion in and out and sending something good. “In for me and out for you.” “One for me and one for you.”
If you wish, you can focus a little more on yourself, or the other person, or just let it be an equal flow—whatever feels right in the moment.
Or you can send something good to more than one person.
Allowing your breath to flow in and out, like the gentle movement of the sea - a limitless, boundless flow - flowing in and flowing out. Letting yourself be a part of this limitless, boundless flow. An ocean of compassion.
Gently opening your eyes.
Settling and Reflection
Please take a couple of minutes to allow this practice to settle, allowing yourself to have experienced this meditation just as it was for you.
Inquiry
Our course participants are typically slow to speak after this meditation, perhaps because they find it deep and soothing. The following inquiry unfolded with a young woman, Camille, who had a 7-month old daughter at her breast during the meditation:
Camille: This meditation was quite a surprise to me. I really let go into the rhythm of the breathing and being caressed by the breath, but when you said to focus on the in-breath, I started feeling uneasy in my stomach, almost nauseous.
T: Nauseous?!
Camille: Yeah, it was really weird. Breathing in for myself almost made me sick, like I was depriving my daughter of air. It was like I was taking all the air for myself and there was nothing left for her to breathe. It kind of freaked me out.
T: That sounds really uncomfortable. May I ask what happened next?
Camille: Well, the instructions were to shift the focus to another person so I chose my daughter – breathing out for her - and I felt much better right away. It was really weird that it was so intense. I’m a new mom and I didn’t expect this kind of reaction.
T: That’s some maternal instinct! How are you feeling now?
Camille: I’m okay. It does make me wonder how I will find time for myself as a new mom.
Eva: (another participant who raises her hand).
T: Yes, Eva?
Eva: May I share another perspective?
T: Just a moment. (turning to Camille) Are you good for now, Camille?
Camille: Yes, sure.
Eva: Well, I have 4 children, all of whom are grown and left home, so at the end of this meditation when we could breathe in or out as much as we want for whomever we want, I just said to myself, “One for me and one for all four of you!”
Whole group: (loud laughter)
T: Well, that puts it in perspective, doesn’t it? (still laughing, pausing, and then returning to Camille). Camille, do you think you will be able to find time for yourself as a mom?
Camille: I surely hope so. I think that breathing both in and out is key. Maybe just remembering to breathe in for myself sometimes?
T: I like that…letting your breath be your guide. Thanks for telling us what happened to you. That’s a remarkable experience.
This inquiry with Camille illustrates how the direction of breathing can powerfully correlate with one’s sense of self and other. In Camille’s mind, her breathing was so blended with her infant daughter’s need to breathe that she panicked when she breathed only for herself. During inquiry, Camille wisely reflected on what her reaction may mean regarding her capacity to care for herself as a mother and, at the end of this short inquiry, wondered aloud whether a conscious in-breath might be a good way to begin caring for herself.
The key aspect of this meditation is the direction of the breath. Whether or not we layer a word, image or emotional quality onto the breath is entirely optional and depends on the practitioner’s preference.
There was a short interruption in this inquiry when another participant, Eva, asked to contribute to the conversation. We usually do not encourage cross-talk during inquiry because cross-talk slips into advice-giving, but Eva always spoke from her experience so she was given a chance to share her humorous observation before inquiry returned to Camille and was brought to a satisfying conclusion.