Meet Shauna Shapiro, Author of Good Morning, I Love You, Violet!

Interviewed by Diane Cyr

“Perfection isn’t possible,” says psychologist/author Shauna Shapiro in her TEDx Talk, The Power of Mindfulness. “Transformation is.” That’s something Shapiro learned firsthand when her own “perfect” high-school life—volleyball captain, homecoming princess—came to a skidding stop. At age 17, emergency spinal surgery put her flat on her back in a hospital bed for six months. Emaciated, deeply depressed and scarred, Shapiro found a lifeline in a book her father gave her, Wherever You Go, There You Are by Jon Kabat-Zinn. From there, she trained in Thailand, earned a PhD, and spent the next 30 years teaching, speaking and writing about mindfulness and neuropsychology. “That book changed my life, and made me believe in the power of books,” she says today. Now, with her first children’s book, Good Morning, I Love You, Violet, Shapiro, a mom and stepmom of four young adults, shows how one simple, mindful practice can be a game-changer for kids (and adults) to become more resilient, compassionate and self-aware.

What’s special about writing for children?

Transformation is possible at any age, but before age 25, your brain is incredibly plastic. In the younger years, learning happens passively; it doesn’t even require much effort. I realized I’d been focusing all my efforts on adults, but if we can teach children these skills, it can serve them their whole lives.

Also, I’d had such an outpouring of letters from parents saying that my first book—Good Morning, I Love You—had a huge impact on their family. I was inspired by their stories of how parents would practice with their children, saying, “good morning, I love you” to themselves and each other when they first woke up or on their way to school in the morning. That  gave me the idea to write a children’s book.

My hope is that children fall in love with this book and this practice. Learning to say “I love you” to yourself is somewhat radical. And yet it is so important to learn to be on our own team, to be kind to ourselves. My  intention is to give children this resource or self-compassion, something that will support them throughout their entire life.

So many children grow up with parents who emphasize shame instead of compassion.

I am very much at odds with that. What the research shows is that when we feel shamed, it actually shuts down the learning centers of the brain. Shaming our children freezes the very behaviors in them that we are hoping they change. And so as a parent, if I can create a safe, compassionate environment with clear boundaries, this is the best chance I have of getting my child to positively change.

In fact, I co-authored a book, Loving Discipline, with my pediatrician when my son was about five years old because I was struggling so much at the time. It was right after my divorce; my husband had been the disciplinarian and I was the loving, boundaryless mother. All of a sudden my five-year old son turned into a dictator. The premise of loving discipline, is to have clear boundaries, but to act from love as opposed to shame.

What’s an example of how to do that?

If your child is in the red zone, you probably are, too.  So the first and most important thing to do is down-regulate your own nervous system. Our children don’t really care about what words we use; they care about how we feel and are acting, and self-compassion helps more than anything. You can say, “Wow, right now I’m embarrassed, I’m frustrated, I feel helpless”—you know, name the feeling—and then give kindness to yourself. And it helps to think of all the other mothers in that moment who are feeling frustrated and out of control and helpless with their kids. You send compassion out to them, and then send it back to yourself: you realize you are not alone and that we are all this together.

Have your own children had an interest in mindfulness and meditation?

My book isn’t intended to teach children to meditate, or force meditation. It’s more to offer a world view that supports self-compassion.  This very simple practice of waking up, putting your hand on your heart, and saying, “Good morning, I love you.” is about cultivating neuropathways of kindness toward ourselves. It’s  about being your inner ally instead of your inner enemy.

You’ve said your therapist recommended this practice when you were going through your divorce - but that it took a while to “feel” it.

And that’s what we wanted to convey in this children’s book. There’s no light switch where you can flip on the good and turn off the bad. The book is about a week in Violet’s life where she doesn’t do well in a spelling test and misses a goal in soccer, and becomes very self-critical. She’s skeptical, but she tries the practice, and things begin to change in a positive direction. At first Violet doesn’t quite feel self-love and she’s not sure she’s doing it right, but on the last day, her heart is warm and glowing.

 The book underscores the core teaching of neuroplasticity--that what you practice grows stronger. What I say to kids is that, just as we can train our physical fitness, we can train our mental fitness. We can engage in exercises that make our brains stronger, more flexible and resilient.

Until your surgery, had you any interest yourself in mindfulness?

No. None. My father [clinical psychologist, author and professor Deane H. Shapiro Jr.] tried to teach me when I was younger, and it didn’t stick. In fact, at ages 16 and 17 I had been a little rebellious and there had been quite a lot of struggle between us. But when you’re in a hospital bed, not able to walk, and your dad gives you a book, you can finally acknowledge, “I need help.” And that book really did change my life. The very first line says, “Whatever has happened to you has already happened. The only thing that matters is, now what?” That line just woke me up from that daze of depression and gave me hope that there was a path forward.

I never played volleyball again. Never got to go to prom.  You could definitely see the surgery as a negative, and yet, it started me on this path of self-love, which continues to be the most important journey of my life. As a mother, when asked what I believe is the most important thing we can teach our children, I always answer “Self-love.” Learning to be on our own team, to treat ourselves with kindness, is life-changing. There is no greater gift we can give our children. There is no greater gift we can give ourselves.